The best way not to get business

Friends, I got a spam email today that just has to be read to be believed. Here it is in its entirety, my comments below:

Dear business owner of deborahbrody.com

Your deborahbrody.com business is losing THOUSANDS of DOLLARS every year, maybe more!

Why? How?

Your credit card processor HIDES THEIR FEES. Don’t believe it? Check your statement, I’m sure you will be just as confused as the next business owner.


DO NOT WORRY – I have the solution as I just saved a similar to your business in your street about $5700 in yearly credit card processing fees. The guy is so happy – I have the same offer for you!

I’m a business consultant specialist and this offer isn’t available for everyone. Only for deborahbrody.com – FOR FREE. Cost to you is NOTHING but 5 minutes of your time.

If you are interested, just let me know and I’ll provide more information for you. I apologize if this email is an inconvenience, I just know what I have done for others in your business, and didn’t want you to miss too good of an opportunity in.

There are only so many your type of business we can sign up though – so if you are going to do it, I’ll need to hear from you now.

Oh yeah, I know the area where you are located, know it pretty well actually.


Thanks for your time!

Cheers!

Jessica

Business Consultant

This could be a textbook example of how not to send an query/pitch letter. Here’s what’s wrong:

1. No personalization.  If “Jessica” can find my website, she can also find my name.

2. Making (wrong) assumptions. I am losing thousands in credit card fees? Do I even do any credit card processing? And would I be confused by fees?

3. Poor grammar. There aren’t any spelling mistakes, but “Jessica” certainly did not get an A in her high school English class with this sentence “didn’t want you to miss too good of an opportunity in.”

4. Being too informal. “Oh yeah, I know the area where you are located, know it pretty well actually.”(Also, what is that supposed to mean and why is it relevant?)

5. Being shady. Notice “Jessica” does not say what she actually does. She also doesn’t provide any contact information, business name or anything else.

6. Insulting my intelligence.  Five minutes of my time is all I need to save thousands. I am sure she also has bridges in Brooklyn for sale for cheap.

The only reason I did not immediate delete this email is because I thought it would make a great blog post.

Have you received these types of emails? What makes you cringe? Please share!